The founder of Hourglass Care, Sherri Snider, is no stranger to dealing with aging parents and the struggles of honoring them. Her mother had dementia. Although her mother continued to recognize her, she no longer knew Sherri’s name or understood their relationship as mother-daughter. She did not remember Sherri’s birthday, know the names of her own sons, or recognize her grandchildren. Mom did not remember when or if Sherri visited her in the nursing home, despite daily visits.
On Sunday mornings they attended worship services held in the nursing facility. Sherri remembers comments made years ago how her mother enjoyed hearing her sing alto as they sat together in church. In her final months and days, they sat side-by-side in the worship service until the last note was played on the piano, singing or humming in harmony the old, familiar hymns that, despite the ravages of dementia, had not been forgotten.
These moments together were not just about love and devotion but also are comprised of honor and respect — the type of honor that is biblically commanded in Exodus 20:12.
Exodus 20:12 says “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.” (NKJV)
This commandment requires adult children to honor and not abandon their parents. As heartbreaking as the relationship with Sherri’s mother became, that relationship could be viewed as relatively mild compared to other adult child-aging parent situations that are fraught with conflict, anger, unresolved issues, misunderstandings, caregiver strain, and unknown expectations that accompany aging, loss, and dementia.
Sherri is not alone in her struggle to honor her mother as there are many adult children striving to honor aging parents. Unfortunately, in the ministry field, there are few resources to aid adult children who are trying to biblically honor their parents. As a result, they fumble along with little understanding of what it means to biblically honor their parents. Coupled with no support system to encourage or advise them, it is no wonder that adult children struggle knowing how to physically and emotionally care for their aging parents.
There are many topics and issues associated with caring for aging parents. The goal of Hourglass Care is to assist adult children desiring to biblically honor their parents. That includes providing biblical teachings on honoring parents, identifying the difference in honoring and obeying, providing examples of and approaches to caregiving in the Bible, exploring challenges of aging and caregiving, and helping adult children recognize when they are dishonoring themselves in their attempt to honor their aging parents.
The Ten Commandments are often taught in church, and as young children there is often particular emphasis put on the fifth Commandment instructing the honor of fathers and mothers. At all ages, Scripture commands that children honor their parents in ways that show affection, are respectful, provide dignity, appreciate their uniqueness, and ensure their safety and well-being — physically, financially, spiritually, and emotionally.
Ideally, the earthly parent-child relationship would reflect the relationship Christians are called to have with God the Father as His children. Examples of parent-child interactions — which are usually characterized by love and caring yet are frequently fraught with discord, misunderstanding, and selfishness due to sin — can be found throughout Scripture. Nothing has changed throughout history; today’s adult children are still confronted with physical, emotional, and spiritual care needs of aging parents amid struggles with the dynamics of their interpersonal relationships.
It is important to differentiate between the terms “honor” and “obey” to help adult children understand the biblical command to honor their parents. While often taught to be interchangeable, the nuance of the words can cause confusion and leave room for misinterpretation. The importance and validation of biblical commands of when and how to honor or obey parents goes beyond a scriptural definition of the words. Thus, it is necessary to consider how those words are applicable on a practical level to the parent-child relationship.
The term honor involves caring by showing affection, and demonstrating respect, fear, or reverence. In contrast, the Old Testament meaning of “obey” is to hear or listen with reverence followed with compliance and assent. In the New Testament, it involves being subordinate to the person or thing heard, complying with the commands or instruction of a superior. In other words, “obeying” is the action of compliance; “honoring” is the attitude of respect with which that action is performed.
Even with these definitions, it is surprisingly easy for the two terms to become convoluted. Not only is it difficult for adult children to separate “obey” from “honor” because of their early teaching in the church, but even some commentaries written about the command to honor parents and the aged are also contradictory, especially regarding the audience to which the command was written.
There are many challenges that adult children caring for aging parents face.
Knowing when and how to honorably oppose directives and requests, recognizing the difference between wants and needs, watching — and helping — parents cope with the losses of aging, and dealing with difficult behaviors parents may exhibit are four of the most challenging. These challenges can be overwhelming and leave adult children in a quandary as not only to how to communicate with and honor parents but also coping with their own emotions associated with their parents increasing frailty of body or mind.
Being in opposition to your parents is an uncomfortable position to be in. Childhood lessons of honor and obedience come to mind in instances when your parents not only disagree with you but may even stand against you. Do you stand down and acquiesce to their wishes, ideas, or desires? Do you stand firm in your position, beliefs, ideals, and needs despite the hurt or rift that may develop to prove a point? Do you correct your parents? Do you do what you believe to be “best” regardless of a contradiction in the values held by your parents?
To answer those questions, you need to consider the following:
Not every battle is worth engaging aging parents in; some should simply be disregarded
Aging parents should not be patronized, regardless of dementia or seemingly poor judgment
Opposition by aging parents can be respectfully and honorably managed using empathy
In the grand scheme of things, if you think about most conflicts, is being “right” or being on the “winning side” paramount? Must everything go your way? Even if you believe you are right, can you allow someone to be wrong without going to war over it?
The truth of the matter is, when it comes to relationships, especially relationships with the people you love, your goal should be to “win the war.” This means focusing on the big picture and the overall health of the relationship rather than getting bogged down by minor disagreements or trivial issues.
What is the “war?” In this case, simply put, the war is caring for, and about your aging parent in a way that maintains a sense of honor and respect, of love and compassion. This means focusing on the big picture and the overall health of the relationship rather than getting bogged down by minor disagreements or trivial issues.
To do this, you must remember you do not need to win every battle to win the war. Many wars have been won despite battles lost. You must pick the battles that are important to win, and disregard the others, realizing which situations are significant and which are merely irritations that we can let go of without engaging in combat. One way of looking at it is to determine whether winning the argument will have a long-term positive effect. Will it really matter tomorrow or next week?
At Hourglass Care, we understand the complexities of caring for aging parents white maintaining healthy relationships. Our family consultation service offers expert guidance and support to help you navigate these challenges with compassion and respect.
Rarely do you encounter a person (of any age) who wants to be told what to do. Parents may become resistive — sometimes even combative — when they believe their autonomy and sense of independence and control is being threatened. We have often heard adult children say the roles have reversed with their aging parents. “I am now the parent, and they are the child.” That is far from the truth!
When we are children, we do not have the life experiences of an adult. Even aging parents with dementia retain adult life experiences. To treat an aging parent as a child by talking down to them, or using a tone as if they were a child, is dishonoring and patronizing. Excluding them from conversations or opportunities for decision-making strips aging parents of their sense of autonomy and purpose.
In other words, don’t come in, guns a’blazing and expect to take over. At all stages of life, people need to experience a sense of control over what happens to them. Do not assume that, just because they are old, aging parents do not have opinions, cannot participate in decisions, or want to be rescued.
Unless your parent is in imminent danger, there is time for most situations of opposition to be talked over. It is always better when they can make the choice rather than a decision being forced on them. Expressing love and concern, along with discussing emotions and possible options for dealing with unsafe or undesirable situations reaffirms the adult child’s commitment to honor the parent.
It’s often best to provide an opportunity to engage your parent in problem-solving and give them a sense of control over their life. Immediately “putting the hammer down” on parents without allowing for discussion, or even time to adjust to a new idea or situation, is bound to create opposition.
Being sensitive to the effects of change will facilitate, and alleviate, a degree of potential opposition. That is not to say that aging parents won’t dig in their heels and flat out refuse to allow change or consider concerns adult children express. However, if a trusting relationship is in place, the parent is more likely to be receptive and less likely to oppose. When adult children empathetically consider the position of the parent, it can be understandable how changes associated with opposition represent a loss and a sense of being out of control.
Besides opposition, caring for aging parents can be fraught with other emotional challenges, especially difficult behaviors of parents, including manipulation, anger, rude or critical comments, whining, blaming, accusing, complaining, and being demanding. Add to those behaviors, the stresses of caring for aging parents with dementia and the challenges increase exponentially.
You may have experienced your mother accusing a trusted family member or caregiver of theft. Maybe Dad accuses the neighbors of spying on him. Perhaps Mom uses guilt, crying to get her way. Maybe Dad verbally attacks the waitress over a trivial matter. With her own mother, Sherri remembers a time when she was so paranoid that someone was watching or spying on her, that she taped paper plates all over the windows so no one could see in. Although these behaviors may seem bizarre, they are common and can be hard to manage. Know there are many other adult children adrift in the same boat with you seeking answers.
Years ago, Sherri’s mentor Joy Goodwin said that the two most tumultuous times in life — the two times that require adaptation to the most changes — are during adolescence and old age. The process of aging presents a dichotomy whereby experiences over a lifespan open the door creating vast differences in individuals, yet this same aging process also results in a shrinking of one’s world.
Material items often lose their value; possessions are reduced to a minimum either by choice or necessity; and physical losses may limit the ability to leave the home or participate in family events. Where once there was a full house of family and possessions, today the aging parent’s sphere may be reduced to a single room either in a family member’s home or a nursing facility.
The way aging parents manage or cope with losses can be fairly predictable because, usually, people resort to coping skills they have used all their lives. Christian parents may rely strongly on their faith and accept the losses as God’s will. That approach does not mean they do not grieve, but it does mean they do not get stuck in their grief. They have learned to roll with life’s punches and to adapt to losses.
When aging parents use poor or unreasonable coping skills in response to loss, such as blaming or accusing, it is best that adult children do not respond by taking the accusations personally or expressing anger toward the parent. In addition, shaming or correcting the parent is not the answer either. At the same time, adult children are not required to, and should not, acquiesce to whatever the aging parent wants particularly if it is unhealthy, sinful, or futile.
Well-meaning, adult children committed to honoring their parents — particularly those who are caregivers — often allow themselves to be consumed with responsibilities of care. Often they believe they are the only ones who can provide proper care or provide that care the way Mom or Dad wants. To further complicate the situation, Mom or Dad may feed that notion, making the adult child feel guilty or dishonorable if they try to hand over the reins of care even temporarily for respite.
Adding to the complexity of the relationship, if the adult child is unable to tell parents “no,” they may be trying to rid themselves of guilt for dishonorable or disappointing behavior in the past. They may think, “If I do everything right, give Mom everything she wants, do everything Dad asks, then they will forgive me for past behaviors.” This example is just one of any number of reasons adult children cannot say “no” that may, or may not, be reasonable.
Even though the intentions are good, and the adult child makes every effort to provide superior care, when caregiving responsibilities become overwhelming, there is a risk that the adult child will inadvertently dishonor themself or other family members. It is important that adult children honor their parents, but it is equally important that they do not dishonor themselves in the process. Some ways to prevent dishonor of self is to guard against overcommitment, be able to distinguish between needs and wants, and maintain reasonable expectations.
Most adult children want to honor their aging parents and have a good relationship with them. Because the desire is there, the challenge associated with caregiving and conflict is usually due to the adult child not having the proper arrows in their quiver.
The purpose of Hourglass Care is to be a resource for adult children as they grapple with the care of their aging parents. “Care” in this sense is not just physical care, but includes emotional, spiritual, social, and mental care. Recognizing that, when routine daily and weekly commitments and responsibilities are coupled with parental behaviors that are difficult, adult children trying to biblically honor their parents are often at a loss for time and patience. When these behaviors are compounded with forgetfulness and disorientation, the frustration level that adult children experience further increases. Some days the biblical command to honor parents seems elusive and unattainable.
Let Hourglass Care help you in this struggle. Our family consultation service offers expert guidance and support to help you navigate these challenges with compassion and respect. Contact us today to learn how we can assist you in creating a loving and supportive environment for your family. In addition, check this website often for new ideas and discussions about parent care. Feel free to read blogs on this site or interact with our social media pages. And please contact Sherri Snider at Hourglass Care for additional, personalized support.